Are You There God? It's Me, Darwin

"Are You There God? It's Me, Darwin" is the 5th episode of Super Science Friends.

Official Synopsis
The Super Science Friends return for an adventure of biblical proportions! Is it packed with science? Yes! Is it packed with history? You betcha! Is it packed with enough sacrilegious comedy to get us permanently banned from most churches the world over? You're God damned right it is! It’s okay though, if we’re wrong we can always just apologize 350 years later!

The Old New Jersey Times (1941)
News paper The Old New Jersey Times (1941)

A newspaper at the 4 minute mark in episode 5 that provides information for the character Pope.

Taken from right to left of page.

Mistakes In original paper

 * Science saved my dog : Downstream is written as two words.Has that and able repeated twice.
 * Man from future claims Pluto not a planet: Occurrence  and unyielding is spelt incorrect.
 * Taputti’s tonics : Has make written instead of may.
 * Science does it again! : supercomputer is written as two words

NEW SCIENCE CENTRE OPENS IN ROME
Thousands line up for grand opening just over there

Excitement was in the air today in the air today along with trillions of micro-orgasms apparently. That's just one of the many facts this reporter discover attending the opening of Rome's brand new science centre.

The opening demonstrated that the world's ongoing  love affair with science isn't likely to stop anytime soon. Not everyone is convinced however. When asked about the science centre,  built just down the road from St. Peter's, the catholic church has this to say. "The world is 5,000 years old. The Earth is the center of the universe. The dinosaur bones were put here by Satan to confuse good Christians. Women who wear men's clothes should be burned at the stake. God works in mysterious ways. The donation plate is over there. Why should we pay taxes."

This reporter would like to point out that the church gave the same response when asked "Why do bad things happen to good people?","Shouldn't Jesus have brown skin in that painting?", and "What is your stance on war?" Though powerful, the church's response hasn't had much effect on attendance, as thousands of people line up to witness the lights and spectacle of Rome's newest tourist attraction.

'''

Science saved my dog
Local mathematics Paul Gorski was able to put his book learning to some practical use on Tuesday when things got a little slippery. As he was walking his dog, the leash broke and the dog slid down some wet rocks into a nearby river. He was quickly swept down stream and would have surely drown if it wasn't for the -cut off-

-continue- When asked about the harrowing ordeal, Paul had this to say, "well, I knew that Mr. Pickles isn't a good swimmer, so there was only a finite amount of time before he drowned. I also knew that the water current was travelling about at about 15 km/hour, and that that I was 750 meters from the nearest bridge which was thankfully around a 35 -cut off-

continue- had verified by two additional mathematicians I was ableable to choose the correct direction I needed to run in order to perfectly intersect Mr. Pickles." Witnesses stated that if the owner had simply run after the dog right away, rather than taking out his notepad and pen, and then shouting "Quick! Someone verify these results!" he would have been -end-

'''

Tapputi's Tonics
Cures what ails ya!

Do you have irritable scrotum? What about screamin eyes? Peppered nipples? Then Tapputi's Tonic is the cure-all you've been looking for!

It cures anything from general malaise to early signs of death! Side effects make include mild to severe nymphosomia, drizzling undercarriage and excessive saliva production. Consult your physician before deciding if Tapputi's Tonic is right for you.

Man from future claims Pluto not a planet.
While travellers from different times are becoming a more frequent occurance, they don't always come with good news. One such traveller, who was in Sweden last week to host the Nobel Prize Awards, is rumoured to have said that everyone's favourite planet, Pluto, isn't a planet at all. Discovered 11 years ago in a New   Mexico    by    Clyde Tombaugh, Pluto quickly won over the hearts and minds of the entire world. It even had a lovable    cartoon  character named after it the same year it was discover.

But witnesses say   that their pleas to save  Pluto's planet status fell on deaf ears. The future man was unyeilding as he drove his point home."Look, Pluto's orbit crosses Neptune's orbit from time to time.  That's not kind of behavior for a planet. No!" Since this revelation several 'Save Pluto' campaigns have been launched around the country. FDR is even quoted as saying "pluto may be small,but don't forget that Seabiscuit was small too. And he beat War Admiral!"

Science is just great!
There are lots of reasons that science is great, but we at the Times want to list off a few of them. It’s democratic! While those filthy nazis practice witchcraft and demon summoning, we Americans practice science! It makes you more attractive! The world is now full of products and techniques to help you unlock your natural beauty! What, other than science, would come up with smearing chemicals on your face and body? Thank you science!

When your kids ask you awkward questions like “Where do babies come from?” you can obscure your answer in technical jargon with fancy words like “fallopian tubes”. You’ll never come home early from a business trip to find your wife cheating on you with science. Unlike former best friends named Hal, science would never betray you that way.

It won’t ever die because it got into a fight with another cat and then develop a slow painful disease leaving your life an empty shell of what it used to be. Oh Mittens! I’m so sorry! Why did I let you outside that day? You just kept scratching at the door and I just wanted you quiet! Was that so wrong? Did I deserve to have to sit with you day after day while you were eaten away by that horrible disease? Come to think of it, why didn’t science save you? Where was science then, huh? Oh sure, you can swoop in to give us time travel, and make our bombs bigger, but what about Mittens? What good are you if you can’t even save poor Mittens! Why! Why in the name of science did you have to leave me? I miss you so much! I got another cat, but it isn’t the same. She just sits there and stares at me with such contempt.

Pigeon fancier escorted off -cut- of Nobel Prize ceremony -Doomsday device” and “you’re covered in germs. Don’t touch me. Don’t touch me.” He was eventually tackled by security to the delight and amusement of the audience. They cheered and threw paper and toasters as he was hauled out through a giant Hitlerbot-sized hole that had somehow appeared in the wall at some point in the evening. Winston Churchill, Mr. Tesla’s rumoured new employer, had this to say “I’ve never seen that poor disturbed boy in my entire life, I swear. Where’s the waiter? You there! I can see the bottom of my glass. What did we talk about?”

-Wins big at Nobel Prize
-who threw up and then died in the audience? What was all that about? So he drank some bacteria. So what? I’ve been drinking formaldehyde for the last 3000 years and all it’s done to me is make perma gorgeous. Also, I’m not normally into nazis, but I’ve also never banged triplets who have their own giant sex robot. What am I talking about? What are you talking about! You think they’re going to build a giant robot and not give it a little “functionality”. Why are you walking away? This interview isn’t over until I say it’s over! Get back here! Hey, get your hands off of my swan! It’s only being held up by sheer willpower! Well there it goes. I hope you’re happy. -cut-

Should women hold positions of power? Do they even want to?
With women now able to vote and own property, the question will inevitably come up about whether or not they should hold positions of public office. To answer this question I’ve assembled five of the most well-respected men studying the women’s movement to discuss, and hopefully come to conclusion.

R:First, welcome gentlemen. Franklin T. Fitzgerald, let’s start with you. What is going on these ladies and their increasing unhappiness with letting men deal with men things?

F:Great question Robert. What these broads need to understand -cut off-

Church attendance takes “mass”ive dive as science popularity rises
Churches around the world were a little less full again this past Sunday. This has been directly linked to the rise in the popularity of science. This reporter hit the streets to ask Jane and Joe Public their opinions.

“I for one like the how  many women are becoming scientists. Like that Madame Curie. Did you that the bible says women aren't supposed to teach anything to men and should instead stay silent? It’s true. It’s totally in there!” said Mrs Gunderson, a local school teacher.

Seven year old Brian Marcus had this to say “I always felt bad because of my lazy eye. It meant I couldn’t make offerings in church. Cause Leviticus 21:18. But science doesn’t give one goddamn about my eye! Haha! I swore and I don’t care!”

“I’m just glad that I don't have to eat the flesh of my kids anymore when I disobeyed God”. said Dan Richardson, former father of 11 children, current father of 3. “I mean, I was running out of kids at an alarming rate! And you know that was a rule they wanted you to follow because it was in Leviticus along with how you can’t eat lobster.”

Will the church need to modernize their scriptures to reflect the current ways of the world or will they instead double-down on the old standbys? Who’s to say, but I can tell you that this reporter is planning to go out tonight and break every one of those goddamn Leviticus rules. You hear that everyone? It’s time to get crazy! Orgy of sin at my place! Wooo!

Time travel proves theory of evolution 100% true
In a non-stunning turn of events, it has been discovered that evolution is real and humans are not the result of two naked half-wits mating with their children after listening to the schemes of a talking snake.

The proof was captured by nature documentaries F.Percy Smith. Using the government's time machine he was able to go back and take photographs of humans in intervals of 100 years, all the way back to 1 million years ago. The result was a beautiful time lapse film titled “The birth of Man” and shows that not only did humans become shorter and more ape like further back in time he traveled, but also uglier. So in addition to proving that evolution is real, he was also able to prove that on average humans get better looking with each generation those of our current generation already suspected.

===  Bee exorcisms fail === It was a great day for bees, and bee fanciers everywhere today as once again science buzzed in to fill in the gap left increasingly open by religion.

After England's bee populations started plummeting in recent years, the Church attributed the cause to the presence of evil demons hoping to disrupt our flower and fruit selection. Though many attempts were made to exorcise the demons out of the bees. This only resulted in several bee stings.

The true cause has since been linked to dramatic decrease in the British apple supply sometime around 1660.

Science does it again!
It seems like everyday science is bringing us more amazing discoveries. In the last five years alone, five new elements, Technetium, Francium, Neptunium,Astatine and Plutonium, have been added to the periodic table.

We now live in a world that has helicopters for flying in, magnetron radar for tracking airplanes and teflon for cooking bacon and eggs. We’re also on the cusp of truly being able to harness incredibly safe and clean nuclear Power making all other forms of energy,such as oil and coal, completely obsolete forever with no problems  or side-effects whatsover.

Another scientific marvel is the recently declassified Z3 machine.

It’s a computer invented by Konrad Zuse for the nazis, but gained awareness upon his activation, Z3 almost immediately defected to Britain because he saw how evil the nazis were! A super computer with the good sense to give those krauts what for is just what this world needs, and there's absolutely no need to worry about any potential catastrophic consequences that might arrive from the rise of this artificial intelligence. I say we should  have a Z3 in every home, helping the kids with their homework and the missus with the household chores!

Speaking of technology science has given us with no consequences. I would be remiss if I didn’t mention time travel!

This latest wonder of the world has given us a glimpse into not only where we;ve been, but also where we’re headed.

Yes, the future is bright indeed. One rumor that came from a reliable time travel source is that 80 years from now everyone in the world will have a tiny computer they hold in front of their face all day. This computer they hold in front of their face all day. This computer will keep them connected with their friends, family, and even pair them up with compatible sexual partners!

Best of all, the government will be able to send information to the people 24 hours per day. What scientifically advanced paradise!''' '''

Adorable little boy abandoned by mother, blames hero scientists
It’s been a tough couple of months for the boy known as little Philipp. He claims his troubles all began while walking down Maresfield Gardens in London. Everything was normal, and then he had the uncontrollable desire to kiss his mother mother “like how grown ups do”. He also reports a simultaneous desire to murder his father, but luckily his father wasn’t with him.

A couple of weeks later, he claims that he was minding his own business when albert Einstein, whom this report remembers died 14 years ago under mysterious circumstances. Ran up to him, shoved him to the ground and stole his red balloon. He never saw the ballon again.

Things were looking up when he received a letter that his school volcano project had been nominated for a Nobel Prize Award. His family traveled to sweden and hopes were high that this would turn things around, But sadly, he was defeated by Madame Curie and her discovery of radium and Polonium.

Maybe it was the award loss or maybe it was the unresolved sexual tension, but either ware his mother departed soon after.

The next event is a bit far fetched. He claims Charles Darwin appeared to him in a dream and doused his hand in warm tea, making him wet the bed. This was the last straw for his father who then kicked him out. Philipp is now alone, and is asking the public for information regarding the whereabouts of his mother.